I JUST COULD NOT FACE the reality. It was July 2, just after my last year in high school, and I was looking at the results of a home pregnancy test. It was one of those plus-minus ones, and I just refused to believe it read positive. Then it started to hit me that I really was pregnant. I would just lie in my bed and cry.
I didn’t tell anyone but Michael, my boyfriend. I’m the oldest of four kids, and I was worried that this whole situation would make my parents stricter on my brothers and sisters. I thought of abortion, but it just would have been a quick fix, and I couldn’t do it. Then I leaned toward adoption, and just not telling anyone it ever happened. But then I felt the baby kick at 4 or 5 months. My boyfriend and I decided we didn’t want to spend the rest of our lives wondering if our child was being properly taken care of.
It wasn’t hard to conceal that I was pregnant. My belly simply didn’t get very big. I’m petite, and I kind of sucked in my stomach as much as I could. It was winter, and I wore spandex and long sweaters. I knew the baby was going to come, but I put off thinking about it. It’s kind of like if you’re sick. You know you should see a doctor, but you don’t. You say, “Well, I’ll wait and see if it goes away.’ But a baby’s not going away.
In the last month I got panicky and blocked it out. I would just go to my job at a department store every day. I was lifting heavy boxes, so it’s a blessing I had a healthy baby. I also later found out I had pregnancy-induced high blood pressure, which is very dangerous. I didn’t go to a doctor until I went into labor; I told my mom I was going to see a doctor because I had a bladder infection. When I came back home, my mother said, ““You’re pregnant, aren’t you?’’ She had suspected that something was wrong. She said, ““Oh, God, you had an abortion - is that where you went?’’ I said no. She said, ““I’m not going to yell.’’ She was so calm. I was shocked. I had thought she would lose it if she ever found out.
I was so relieved. It had been nine months of hiding and torture. Now I realize it was wrong not to tell my parents. Just think - are your parents really going to kill you? They love you. As it turned out, I had the baby that evening, a healthy little girl.
I don’t defend what the girls who killed their babies did: it’s not right. But I know it was not planned. I think the first thing they thought was ““I’ve got to hide this baby.’’ What are they going to do - come out and say, ““Gee, look what I just did in the bathroom’'?
